Pucker up my babies, we’re revealing the best kisser in the zodiac.
Scientists previously maintained the practice of making out originated some 3,500 years ago in South East Asia but recent evidence suggests the kiss began even earlier with cuneiform script on clay tablets from ancient Mesopotamia indicating people began rounding first base some 4,500 years ago.
Despite the site specific finding, Dr. Sophie Lund Rasmussen, of the University of Oxford maintains that kissing is not so much a regional past time gone mainstream but an elemental human behavior, “Research into bonobos and chimpanzees, the closest living relatives to humans, has shown that both species engage in kissing, which may suggest that the practice of kissing is a fundamental behavior in humans, explaining why it can be found across cultures.”
French short story writer and mustached Leo Guy de Maupassant speaks beautifully to the origin and endurance of this cultural universal, “The kiss itself is immortal. It travels from lip to lip, century to century, from age to age. Men and women garner these kisses, offer them to others and then die in turn.” Sigh.
From breath to death, all signs have their merits when it comes to kissing; Aries rules the mouth and ain’t afraid to pull the trigger on impulse or intimacy.
Fixed earth, Taurus is power and patience, it takes its time and moves with deliberate decadence. A kiss is the sole thing that silences a Gemini, while Cancers kiss like the tongue is the bridge to Terabithita. With hands in hair and a spotlight above, Leos kiss like they do in the movies.
Virgos kiss with cautious curiosity, like they’re asking for a secret, Libra like they love you, especially when they don’t.
Scorpios kiss like the mouth is a grave, Sagittarius like a getaway car. Capricorns count your teeth with their tongue to make sure you’re healthy enough to invest in, Aquarians kiss like they’re trying to solve you and thaw themselves all at once and Pisces?
Theirs is the kiss of true transcendence, folks.
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Natives of the realm of fantasy and dreamscapes, Pisces are the type of starry-eyed saps that have likely been practicing their kissing technique on their friends and forearms for a very, very long time and it pays off. As the last sign in the zodiac, Pisces lives to dissolve, be it in a bathtub, a trance state or the mouth of another person.
When you kiss a Pisces, they mean it, “Dream Weaver,” seems to play through a sunken stereo system, time ceases and you are made aware of the divine communion that can exist between two corporeal beings.
For evidence of the power of a Pisces peck, I bring you this story from cinematic history; when filming the movie “Cleopatra,” Pisces Elizabeth Taylor and Scorpio Richard Burton, lost in each other, held their first kiss for such a disquietingly long period of time that director Joseph Mankiewicz sarcastically called out, “I’m sorry to interrupt you two…but, it’s time for lunch.”
Further proof of this Pisces super power can be found in one of the most iconic images ever produced, Alfred Eisenstaedt’s “V-J Day in Times Square.”
The photograph captures a passionate, time outside of time kiss between Greta Zimmer Friedman, a swooning dental assistant and a U.S. Navy Sailor named George Mendonsa. The sign of the initiating sailor you ask? Pisces, of course.
My favorite meditation on making out comes courtesy of Pisces poet (as redundant a descriptor as you are ever likely to read) Saul Williams who asks, “Have you ever lost yourself in a kiss? I mean pure psychedelic inebriation. Not just lustful petting but transcendental metamorphosis when you became aware that the greatness of this being was breathing into you.”
He continues, “Licking the sides and corners of your mouth, like sealing a thousand fleshy envelopes filled with the essence of your passionate being and then opened by the same mouth and delivered back to you, over and over again — the first kiss of the rest of your life.”
A kiss that confirms that the universe is aligned, that the world’s greatest resource is love, and maybe even that God is a woman. With or without a belief in God, all kisses are metaphors decipherable by allocations of time, circumstance, and understanding.”
Here’s hoping you win by losing yourself in your next kiss. With a stranger, a Pisces, a pet, the bathroom mirror or the one you’re with, may it be pure transcendental metaphor.
Astrology 101: Your guide to the stars
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively chronicled her experiences while traveling. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girls guide” to strip clubs and the “weirdest” foods available abroad.
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